Why Did You Do That?
20 things people do that make me go “Huh?”
Today’s subject: mind-boggling acts. To each his (or her) own, but still …
1. Why do people press the up/down elevator button more than once? Why attack it when a civilized touch will do? Would they walk up to someone’s front door and bang the doorbell five times? A single ring generally works — unless nobody’s home or they’re ghosting you. An elevator doesn’t require more than one press of the button to come to the floor where you’re patiently awaiting its arrival. Ding. See what I mean?
2. Why do people walk on the wrong side of the sidewalk? Foot traffic should flow in the same direction as automobile traffic in whatever country you’re walking around. In New York City, cars drive to the right, avoiding head-on collisions. Alas, right-minded walkers still must beware of oncoming foot traffic, passive-aggressively barking, “Excuse me!”
3. Why do people on the street walk so closely behind you that they step on the back of your sandals or flip-flops? I’m not lying when I say “No problem” to those who bother to beg my pardon, but unless we’re waiting to walk up the stairs on a subway during crowded rush hour, shouldn’t we all maintain a respectable distance between ourselves and whoever happens to be in front of us?
4. Why do people stand in the middle of escalator steps so that nobody can pass? I must admit, though, “nobody” has never included me. If New York City subway stations actually had escalators, I probably wouldn’t care where people stood. I’d be happy just not having to climb.
5. Why do people stand on moving walkways? The operative word is “moving.” The airport is not a ride at Disney World, people. Walk, don’t run — and don’t just stand there blocking other travelers either. Some of us have planes to catch and luggage to collect.
6. Why do people go “Aaah” after downing a glass of cold water? According to Google, it’s a “natural bodily function” after surviving dying of thirst. Maybe I’m just never parched enough — or I prefer my water too room temperature?
7. Why do people drink coffee after dinner? Unless you’ve got an all-night study session or a dance floor to look forward to, is a pick-me-up really necessary after dark? Netflix will still be there in the morning, and sex is always best right before breakfast.
8. Why do people smoke at any time of day? OK, a few drags with a drink was perfectly understandable in the days before you had to go outside (and leave your drink behind) to enjoy it. But kick that stinky habit, and the lungs you save may be your own.
9. Why do people not have any idea what they want to order after waiting in line for five minutes or more? I mean, what were you doing all that time: weighing the health benefits of going home and eating something less likely to clog an artery?
10. Why do people still use shower curtains? Glass partitions might allow for less privacy if you have platonic roommates, but they’re easy to clean, they don’t flap against you when a draft blows through, and you don’t have to regularly replace them due to grime, mildew, and strange smells.
11. Why do businesses still have fax numbers? Faxing has been passe longer than CDs and DVDs, but it remains the last to leave the party.
12. Why do people eat pizza with pineapple chunks on it? Fruit should be consumed the way God intended, far away from bread and tomato sauce and, as Eve found out the hard way, a safe distance from talking serpents.
13. Why do people in the window and middle seats on airplanes have to grab the back rests in front of them when getting up and sitting down on airplanes? Anyone who has traveled coach knows there’s nowhere to lose your balance and fall.
14. Why do people who stock bakery shelves sell bran and chocolate chip muffins when nobody wants them? The fruit-flavored ones are always the first to go, leaving an assortment of dry, brown ones by the time noon hits.
15. Why do people cite the First Amendment (freedom of speech) as a defense against criticism for saying stupid things? Dear racists, homophobes, xenophobes, and misogynists: If it’s your right to say what you want, it’s my right to say, “You’re canceled.”
16. Why do people call when texting will do? I understand that sometimes oral conversation is necessary and that typing sentences doesn’t come easily to some non-writers. But God invented voice-to-text for a reason: to save you from typing and to save me from talking.
17. Why do people eat plain yogurt? I understand the probiotic benefits of certain brands, but choosing plain over, say, apricot is a lot like drinking non-alcoholic beer for fun.
18. Why do people drink non-alcoholic beer anyway? It makes even less sense than carbonated water, which is inexplicably popular in Europe.
19. Why do people build bathrooms without bidets? It’s just one other place where Europe — and Japan and Argentina — have the right idea that seems to have passed right on by everywhere else.
20. Why do people “like” sad posts on Facebook? Someone just died. What’s to like?