What ‘Horny’ Gay Men Can Learn from #MeToo, Time’s Up, and ‘Grace’ vs. Aziz Ansari
We should be aiming to be more like real men, not straight men — confident enough in our own skin to not disregard sensitivity as being somehow un-masculine.
In my book Is It True What They Say About Black Men?: Tales of Love, Lust and Language Barriers on the Other Side of the World, I describe a touchy-feely encounter that helped me fully grasp what many women deal with nearly every day of their lives.
It happened one night in Buenos Aires when I kicked a man out of my personal space — literally — after he got excessively hands-on with me (hands on butt, hands on crotch, hands everywhere). He responded to my swift kick in his shins by running outside, flagging down a pair of cops, and telling them I’d assaulted him. I spent the next five hours in a Buenos Aires police station while the cops “investigated” his claim.
I wouldn’t be able to pick any of the officers out of a line-up today, but I’ll never forget the woman who tried to exonerate me before the police finally did. She was the bartender who had made the drink that the man knocked to the ground after I rejected him for the final time. While the police were questioning me on the sidewalk, she came outside to offer back-up.
“I just want to say that I saw the entire thing, and that guy was harassing this man,” she said in perfect English and then in Spanish. “He had every right to react the way he did.”
I was so grateful for her support that I didn’t question why she gave it, but now I get it. She’d been there. She knew harassment when she was staring at it from the other side of the bar because she’d probably been in my shoes countless times.
Sadly, I’ve been walking in those boots for decades. When I read about “Grace” and her traumatic date with comedian Aziz Ansari on the babe website, I had a similar feeling of recognition. Unfortunate, uncomfortable memories have been flooding back regularly during the #MeToo and Time’s Up revolutions-in-progress. I understand what these women are talking about because I’ve been in their shoes.
The figurative footwear is battered from wear and tear, and it kills my feet, but I keep finding myself back in those same old shoes. When I lived in New York City, men in bars and clubs would sometimes walk up to me and kiss me without so much as a word of introduction. By the time I was negotiating love, lust, and language barriers on the other side of the world, they’d moved past stealing kisses. I once had a guy put my hand on his exposed penis while we were having a casual non-sexual conversation at DJ Station in Bangkok. Others, like that unrelenting suitor in Buenos Aires, have hurled the N-word at me when I’ve dared to spurn their advances.
Hook-up apps have made some gay men worse. Now they can wear their basest impulses on their exposed penises and put it all in writing. They can come on as strong and disrespectful as they want to and use the excuse “Hey, it’s a sex app,” as if that pardons treating each other like walking dildos.
So many gay men present themselves online in ways that are threatening and borderline predatory. I often reject them purely out of fear that if I meet them, we’ll end up in a “Grace” vs. Aziz Ansari situation — no talk, all aggressive action — or worse.
My friend Calvin recently experienced that “worse.” He went to the apartment of a man he’d met on Grindr, and shortly after he got there, a third guy arrived. Calvin wasn’t expecting a threesome, and when he tried to leave, his Grindr date locked them all in the apartment and threatened to kill him if he didn’t put out or pay up for the sex-party favors.
Naturally, Calvin was terrified, but when he pulled out his phone and said he was calling the police, the guy didn’t stop him. Once the cops arrived, Calvin slipped out while they were questioning his unhinged host, who, shockingly, called Calvin several days later to apologize. He said he was high, and he was horny — “My bad!”
This is an extreme example, but it illustrates that some gay men don’t limit predatory behavior to their interactions on the apps. I’ve started implementing a kissing/cuddling-only rule as part of the pre-date negotiations to prevent them from going straight for my crotch. Some comply, most ignore.
I’m not saying these guys are bad people or that there’s anything wrong with being horny. But it doesn’t have to preclude being respectful or acting like a gentleman. Although I suspect that the likes of Harvey Weinstein and Matt Lauer were undone as much by their lust for sexual power as their lust for sex, if they understood this, their careers wouldn’t be over today. If Kevin Spacey had a clue, he might be enjoying rave reviews for his performance in All the Money in the World rather than watching his replacement, Christopher Plummer, get all the praise and the Oscar nomination.
Oh, yes, about Kevin Spacey and his alleged predilection for fresh, underage meat… I wish #MeToo and Time’s Up would offer more acknowledgment that women aren’t the only ones who suffer under the sexual misconduct of men. Both movements have focused so squarely on women that gay men have been largely left out of the discussion. I’ve had conversations with too many gay men who think Spacey deserves to have his career back, as if alleged predatory behavior is somehow less unconscionable — less predatory — when it involves two men.
That’s too bad, because gay men should be strong allies to both women and to each other. Rather than emulating the straight alpha male, we need to consider him a cautionary tale: This is what not to do when you’re trying to get lucky. So many of us spend so much energy trying to be “straight-acting” to make ourselves more desirable and meat-marketable that we don’t fully grasp the implications of what that could mean.
We should be aiming to be more like real men, not straight men — confident enough in our own skin to not disregard sensitivity as being somehow un-masculine. The vice-like grip of horniness need not be such a desperate, aggressive place. An unsolicited cock shot is never the best way to say, “I want you?” Resorting to verbal abuse is no way to respond to not getting instant gratification from the object of our affection.
Speaking of the object of our affection, we’re so not objects. At our horniest, sex with a human being, especially one who is fully engaged and unequivocally consenting, is so much hotter than sex with an object. Hooking up doesn’t have to be just about getting off with a random body. It can also be about genuine human connection, even when it’s all about lust and love has absolutely nothing to do with it.
