I agree with you. The surest way to ensure that someone doesn't hear you is to put them in a position where they feel they have to defend themselves. That’s a point I tried to make in a Reader’s Digest article I wrote about how to respond to racism: https://www.rd.com/article/how-to-respond-to-a-racist-comment/. I honestly wish we could retire the R word for a while, if only for the sake of civil, productive discussion.